He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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