last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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