Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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