All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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