I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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