you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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