Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
this hospital has no fireball
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize