: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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