you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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