Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize