It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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