I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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