Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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