why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
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Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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