You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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