Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize