Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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