were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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