The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
smell my finger.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
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I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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