Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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