Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
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Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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