Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
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Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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