Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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