"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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