life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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