I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
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Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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