At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
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so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
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I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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