I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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