a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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