I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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