I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize