There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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