I'm pants shitting drunk right now
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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