remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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