Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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