Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
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I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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