if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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