I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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