Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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