You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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