I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
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It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize