Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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