I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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