I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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