what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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