i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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