yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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