bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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