my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
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dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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