cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I still have a little drunk in my system
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize